If he makes you feel like crap about yourself, then you will feel like no one else will want to be with you. This isnt sustainable. All the love and respect in the world, dear Terrible. I think you are going to be just fine and that you know what is best for you. These are some of the reasons guys stop putting in an effort. Ive been dealing with depression for a while, too. But in my experience, the kind of mindset that prides itself on being reasonable and feels comfortable saying thats the stupidest thing Ive ever heard to ANYTHING their loved one says. I dont even have to duly note your concern or take that under advisement. It could be as simple as the fact that neither of you is interested in each other anymore. Should I dump this asshole? recently printed a letter that said Anonymous asked: Things between us are going so poorly that Im writing into a blog called Yo Should I Dump this Asshole? He is allowed to disagree with you and to hold a different view, but to shut down your view like that is a red flag. And should usually comes from a not so great place. I 100 million percent second this. Love is out there girls, just make sure you are attentive and smart when it comes to a long distance roller coaster ride. And yes, those cultural messages are a large part of the reason I still often feel like I am a failure because my (emotionally abusive) ex dumped me and I now have to mark Divorced every damn year when I do my taxes. Do not copy, print, or repost entire posts elsewhere without written permission. It also sounds like massive hyperbole. Similarly, she may love him and think he is perfect, if he only didnt do XYZ. Essentially, he supported me equally on good days and bad days. I think doing the opposite of that can also be helpful. Yeah, he sounds like a lot of bad voices like an A Capella Choir of Angst. Consider date nights too. If I wanted to feel uncomfortable in a relationship, I would cover everything with thumbtacks with the sharp points out. She will ask me to do things like remove sharp objects from her living space, check in to make sure shes eating, wake her up in the morning when shes unlikely to get up on her own, phone her psychiatrist to give info/updates about how shes doing, and so on. But I really think you deserve somebody who loves, respects, and likes you as you are right now. ? when someone is abused.). So before you jump ship, make sure to use your words. It could be as simple as he just no longer feels like being around you, which means there isnt much motivation for making an effort either. Nothing is good enough. Can you help me strategize ways to respond? This is an ongoing issue, and you have an ongoing resource at your disposal to work on it. You know way better than any of us how useful this phrase will be. When your boyfriend stops calling the first thing you should determine is whether you did something that may have gotten him upset. What this involves is offering your emotional openness and love (instead of the tension of stress, fear and needing something to be happy). Ive been getting that in a current relationship myself, hey I did X, yay me is almost always responded to with what about Y and Z? "Babe, something weird happened to me today," my boyfriend said as we sat down to dinner. (Ice cream, breakfast for dinner, weird thing you like that he doesnt like. The internal CSP/hair-pulling/cutting voice is bad enough, but the absolute best thing ever (vomit) is when someone decides to be your saviour, and heal you of your ~habits~ Nothing on earth is more supportive and caring than demanding that you roll your sleeves up/remove your hat/prove youre behaving well. Hey, when I say, I did X! and you say, Great! I grew up with people who were allergic to being encouraging. Honestly its tough. However, intent isnt magic and the effect of his actions do cause you harm. His only motivation to change is to stop you. Him: You havent been to the gym today! He would critique all of my eating habits (If I ate a piece of candy, he would yell about how it is full of lard! and I would sit in front of him and make lots of eye contact and say Tasty tasty lard. He is like the fucking human incarnation of depression. So, think about how much of this does or does not seem to fit. LW that may sound really harsh about your boyfriend, but from where Im sitting it sounds like a very toxic place for you to be. I would say, How does blindly doing everything you say make me more adventurous? We would go round and round, but I never got through to him, because I wasnt willing to back my words with actions. It sounds like hes making you miserable and hurting your recovery. Or because he has decided you arent feeling magically better enough yet? Theres also the fact that you are depressed, at least for now (although congrats on making what sounds like a lot of progress toward improvement). A. Self improvement (vs self-care, self-discovery, living life with acceptance) involves believing something is wrong with you B. Yeah, dealing with a partners illness isnt FUN, but as you say yourself its part of the package. If what he says pisses you off, take it as a good sign that your self-respect and self-preservation instincts are waking up and working. The first few times you resist his help, I think he is going to release the Logick Kraken, who will logically and patiently recount all of the ways that you could be better if you only tried harder. Realize that you cannot change your partner's behavior. Another vote that you are not strange! He blocks me and ignores me. Its still manipulation. Hide the chips? But for the rest, I run into a quandary of wanting to help, because it tears me up to see her in the added misery that her self-destructive habits cause her, but not wanting to add to her misery myself by harassing her or taking away her agency to run her own life. Did you eat at any cool restaurants on your trip? Hey, I just want to make sure you are eating your vegetables. Im actually the boss of that, and I dont want to run my food intake by you anymore, thanks. That means no vegetables, I guess. nuanced (especially when exercise is not the only project Im undertaking at the moment.) The inevitable consequences to him & many people he cared about just outweighed any potential satisfaction far too drastically. Especially when someone you love isnt ready or isnt currently up to taking steps for their own well-being. And exercise does help me it does! I feel like this self-help book is the equivalent of the biggest Fight Club on earth. That is some high-level head games. People who base their identity around fixing you have a major investment in keeping you broken. I like this script because it avoids the teacher/student roles and makes exercise and cleaning and healthy eating something for EVERYONE. I might even be texting a new girl nothing that crosses the line, but maybe dipping my toes in the water. Dumping him when it became clear hed rather boss me around than support me! Texting my buddies to see if they are doing something, anything, I can join up with and get out of this situation. Nothing is more guaranteed to ensure recovery than someone making you promise that youll never cut/pick/pull again, then berating you and doing the whole sadface But you pwomised! act, and acting like youd just murdered a dozen puppies. Then, at the end of any date, I got this huge guilt trip if I didnt show gratitude. (wanting to control you in not good ways), Getting angry at the depressed partner is not good. I want to challenge this. Yeah. Life might be simpler for some of us if it were like that, but it isnt. He used to love to know everything about you from the way you think and what you like your time to how it went. . Maybe Im projecting too much from my own experiences because your boyfriend sounds like my jerkbrain incarnate (btw, my jerkbrain is interested in my eating and exercise mostly because it thinks I should lose weight, hmmm), but this letter bummed me out because it sounds like you are making some great personal progress and your boyfriend is sandbagging you instead of giving you high fives and wtf is that about? When your boyfriend just slithers away leaving you completely confused and broken hearted, it adds to the suffering. Second, this worries me, the idea that his view is likely if she just does these things, I wont have to deal with her being depressed.. Someone who doesnt follow your clear requests on how to help you might not be good at helping you, or motivated to help you. This helps us because it is a concrete thing he can do (yay I am helping someone I love) and actually helps me. Make lifestyle changes to ensure you're getting enough sleep, eating healthy diet, and exercising regularly. If what he says pisses you off, take it as a good sign that your self-respect and self-preservation instincts are waking up and working. We dont try and manage the others health and healing, though. Whoa, this is me a year/two years/three years ago. In my experience, that kind of mindset is tough to crack. Or maybe his own shortcomings as a helper? And when Spouse or I are depressed, the other one will say Hey, lets go for a walk! And sometimes we go, and the Depressed One says I feel better. This is not one of them. Is Your Anxiety Sabotaging Your Relationship? This boyfriend does not sound like good news to me. You know that cartoon with godzilla and the hornets and the nope-ing retreat back to the sea. Id put one more thing on that disaster preparedness list: a good friend who will hang out with you should you start to feel lonely. For those of us with less than optimal upbringings theres this stinger waiting for us as adults. Youre seeing a therapist, and making strides, youre clearly doing exercise and stuff. For example, depression is very tiring in itself. Im sad because the person I love is sad, and I want them to be happy. Maybe Im coming off as too harsh, and if I am I apologize. Seriously, FUCK HIM (and not in a fun way). I saw progress though, and it made it easier to wade though until it was resolved. I dont know. If he can hear criticism and change his behavior accordingly, then maybe thats a partnership that can be forged. Affection is not only limited to physical touch -- he may also avoid showing affection through words. Not once, not twice, but every time you call. Actual logic is about statements, facts, reasons, not about How Logical I Am. (From knowing my mother I now if shed had any reservations she would have allowed herself to tell me about them as many times as she could. Mood swings. There will always be something that can be improved, because people are people, and people are imperfect. Because if so, you need to skip all the subtler steps and skip straight to Therapist, these things my boyfriend does and says are making it worse, help! Right now. My therapist suggested that I start taking more autonomy over my choices around this, and to stop looking to you for input about every little thing. Reasonable. Its always so much easier to see things from an objective perspective when one is looking in from the outside. Theres no excuse for a relationship where one person does all the initiating, it means the other party is either disinterested or being suffocated by someone who wants a lot more interaction than they do. But my partner punishes me emotionally when I eat unhealthy food and dont exercise just sounds really bad out of context. The specific focus of the boyfriend on LWs food intake and physical exercise is major red flag. And the autocorrect version.). The best way to spark your boyfriend's interest and get him to call and text you again is to start genuinely loving your life. OopsI didnt see your reply to my first post when I posted this one. Thats a complicated and unpleasant thing to wrestle with every time you step onto an elliptical. I struggle mightily. 1. Certainly housework affects him, but what LW eats and how much she exercises doesnt. He immediately misses you. Drownings letter feels very familiar. The difference between this dude and the dudes I know, though, is that when the dudes I know were told to stuff a sock in it because they were coming across all doomy and demanding, they did. My partner of 3 1/2 years has depression and anxiety, and sometimes I act as her monitor/coach/support person in some ways. I usually agree with our captain, but this time I see all those scripts as an exercise in trying to change him into a reasonable boyfriend even as hes trying to change you into someone who eats her vegetables. He didnt like how I looked, how I liked to dress, how I acted or thought or analyzed media. Youd be happy if you were skinny is what I hear in that. When I was unhappy with the way her behaviour impacted me, our living space, or our relationship I saw the fact she wouldnt do the easy, obvious things I told her she ought to as indications that she wasnt actually committed to her claims or our life together. He doesnt feel theres any sort of a problem with it, he feels entirely justified in acting the way hes acting, and people who feel that way about how theyre behaving go on behaving in that way. Seriously though, people who want to help you may not always manage to do so in the right ways when they first start trying, but you have clearly told your b/f what you need, and he is ignoring your stated needs. I sometimes wish I could timetravel and tattoo this onto my brothers forehead a few years ago. http://fathom.lib.uchicago.edu/1/77777760800/, https://captainawkward.com/2011/11/05/question-130-my-partner-is-depressed-and-i-am-drowning/, https://captainawkward.com/2013/01/05/429-430-when-depression-is-contagious/, Follow CaptainAwkward.com on WordPress.com. The important element? I just want to say something about this part of the Captains advice: However, if it helps you have the conversation, invoke your therapist. You can get this functionality for treadmills and ellipticals, too; if anyone is looking for home exercise equipment and if you can swing it, I wholeheartedly recommend it. Maybe it has nothing to do with you. You need people who are delighted by you and people who see you as competent and great. It was tough (and frankly weird) for a bit, but he stopped and were fine. He no longer answers his phone as quickly as before. I spent 10 years in this same spot eventually he broke up with me because I was not trying hard enough to evolve as a person. Its only been 8 months since that happened, but I havent been this happy in years. This was where I got very concerned. And another thing Its generally accepted that self-care is good for self-esteem. LW, I think the Captain has a very good point about how you should be proud of the progress youve made the fact that you know that you are a person who can help themself and that you dont need someone else to be your Life Mechanic is a pretty damn good place to be, and some people never make it there. Things are a lot better, although sometimes I (or my other partner) have to remind him. I think its easy for us to say DTMFA because we know none of the other persons good qualities. You can also use the online chat. Some aspects of this sound very similar to my ex. I think Captains advice makes sense because, while getting rid of LWs boyfriend would be (according to many, I read) the logical consequence to his behavior, it is also true that you owe it to yourself to state your boundaries within this relationship, should it only last for one more day. And if hes not interested in investigating ways to help you were back to Case A: Raging Arsehole. It doesnt sound like you two ever consensually negotiated a relationship with unequal roles and a power imbalance, nor does it sound like what you want. We ended up breaking up about a year later. My father was an abusive asshole and Mum leaving after 30 years was the best thing she could have done (other than leave earlier). You know what, these are things that I have my therapist/doctor to advise me about. So pointing out that their inspirations and coaching actually make it worse probably wont make it through either. No-one can pressure him into anything nor does he pressure anyone else. This is a guy who hasnt figured out that the people you love arent improvement projects. But that makes deliberately exercising seem like Im bowing down to that warped idea of my self-worth. You can tell that he isnt as into you anymore because of the lack of physical contact between both of you. Just. *cough* Nah, it just made me more sneaky and creative, what were they going to do, strip search me? ", But It is indeed hard. Hes developed some very strong and unrealistic expectations about ways LW will change. Ikind of feel like a great, positive life change that will help combat depression is getting this dude the hell away from where you are, OP. It is about him. either way. LW, if you want the thoughts of a former terrible girlfriend, mine are: Your boyfriend isnt concerned about you. A lot of writing (calling, whatever) to advice people seems to be this. The problem is that if you cannot afford to pay it yourself the vehicle will eventually be repossessed so it is just a matter . Weve broken up now and I think its safe to say were both much, much happier. It seems to be the get-out-of-jail-free card for everyones tactless remarks and dumbass behaviour. Anonymous. But then kept sending financial support to his (first) wife, who knew that he was alive and had another family. I just sit there with a BMI of 40 and a face like this . But LW, my heart hurts for you so hard right now and I want you to know you dont have to be afraid that you wont have love if you leave this person who doesnt listen to you and constantly makes you doubt your self worth. Powered by Mai Theme. If you are experiencing some or all of the following signs, it could be that your boyfriend has stopped making an effort: Your conversations are brief, and he doesnt appear to be as interested in your life anymore. It doesnt sound like the boyfriend is helping the LW at all in this area; if anything, hes making changing food and exercise habits into a huge source of stress. When he talks to me like that, it starts to cancel out all my confidence. 5. Somebody who sees the good in you that already is there and currently exists. And throughout this time, avoid distractions such as social media. Also, if its pre-arranged (and do make sure she agrees, of course), its harder to back out than it is to decide not to go over to see somebody else. Any way you do it, its all good. I dont know if I would have reached the threshold for clinical depression since I never did the therapy thing, but my self care was pretty pathetic and I wasnt working or studying enough. Theyre angry with the situation, but love & respect their partner. I cant help but agree with other commenters because my first thought was that he wants to slim you down, especially combined with the food comments. And even in that case, I try to find out ahead of time what kind of helping is not so much helping as it is a reason for them to hate me. If you decide that its not, then break up with him and move on. He'd make you feel special by giving you his undivided attention during these conversations. Ive also gone through some tough times with depression and needed a bit more care than I would otherwise. My (23 F) boyfriend (25 M) has stopped showering during lockdown and for the past 2 months has only been spraying Febreze on himself. He wouldnt criticize you and dismiss your choices as being inferiorhed show a genuine interest in the improvements you are making for yourself and be supportive of them instead of tacking on a bunch of additional repairs that would suit his (personal, clearly individual) view of How His Life Would Be Better If You Would Just Upgrade Already. Yeah, there were also lots of couples who socialized together officially when there was an Official Occasion, while spending the rest of their time with their respective lovers (totally with each others knowledge and tacit consent). LW, you dont need someone who will put up with you, you need and DESERVE someone who youre willing to put up with. Everything I do in therapy has been trying to build confidence, motivation, and self-respect from within and stop relying exclusively on it externally, and then I go home and grapple with someone telling me that I need to do these things to be better. People dont always tell you frankly when theyre mad at you because, say, theyre projecting their issues on you. Sorry, it posted before I was done. ), the only logical course of action is taking that into account when youre dealing with people. Set the boundary with your boyfriend, let him say whatever hes going to say, and try not to internalize any of it. Copyright 2011 thru 2023 Jennifer Peepas, all rights reserved. And also we tend to be very keen for love and approval and so when we seem to get it in the form of someone else picking us to be their lover its a really heady thing. He seems to need to control LW to feel in control of himself, and 2. My husband is in a club that meets once a month when he has that meeting I have Chipotle for dinner. No amount of broccoli is going to make you a better or worse person, and they are not giving out Perfect Most Understanding Trying Hardest Enough Girlfriend awards (and even if they were, itd be a shitty reward, like a 10% off coupon to some restaurant you dont want to go to anyhow, and not a spaceship like we were promised). If someone has stated that they have a certain goal, I used to be overly helpful. Now I usually do not offer any help unless its someone Im close enough to to reasonable believe they might want me to. I am a very logically-minded person who has come to the conclusion that acting as though human beings are robots is a profoundly illogical thing to do. In the former case, dump him and run. Once we finally separated, my depression has not returned. He got that. Its something weve learned. Scrolling through my phone. When he was in a show that had evening rehearsals nearly every night of the week, I ordered personal Mahi Mahis like every single night. This would be crappy behavior from a parent toward a child, even. Is he making home-cooked, healthy meals? man, you know, there is even an episode of star trek entirely about how when Spock tries to logic everything, the human crew gets really upset with him and McCoy is like emotion exists you dick and Spocks like the deuce you say BUT THEN HE STARTS TO ACCOUNT FOR HUMAN EMOTIONS IN HIS DECISION MAKING AND STUFF WORKS BETTER. Consider the ways in which your frustration with not receiving enough attention from your partner has made you more critical of . Someone struggling is not an automatic invitation to step in and run their lives for them. The focus is making me incredibly uncomfortable, though. In some cases, he may have been enjoying chasing you more than having caught you. Eating is a big thing for me and something I skip doing when my brain gets jerky. I have been in a relationship for 2 years with a wonderful person who has low moods too. Your boyfriend probably can't see any reason to change his ways: he believes that taking drugs has done him no harm and he enjoys the experience. He used to love spending time with you and he always had a smile on his face when the two of you were together. Couldnt. Its an unfortunate reality that some couples are couples not because they are passionately in love, but because its easier to stay together than it is to break up. There are a few reasons Ive heared suggested that sort of personality can seem really familiar and thus a comfortable and easy thing to be around (because its what youre used to). 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